Desiring God

         Today was one of the first days in a long time where I actually had free time on my hands - a LOT of free time. I slept in; I didn't have to dress up at all- I really enjoyed that part! I did a little bit of work and spent quality time with loved ones. But if I may be honest, I slept most of the day. I slept for so long that I lost track of what day it was. I would even wake up, motivate myself to do something productive, then go back to sleep from exhaustion (I guess my brain was still operating in weekend mode). The few times I did get up were to utilize the bathroom or to satisfy my midday munchies.
         We all have days like this right? Thank God for breaks from our busy schedules! It's good to be able to relax and have no worries at all. However, I am sure that God would have liked a bit more of my time today. I spent time with him, but not nearly as much as I could have or should have. With all of the obligations that are piled on my plate each day, having hours upon hours of time to do nothing but spend time with God rarely happens. So when I have a day like this, why is it so hard to get totally emersed in the presence of God? Even now, as I write this, I am struggling to maintain my focus and not check my phone for texts or updates from social media. It's very frustrating. The one thing I really want is the one thing I'm keeping myself from - rest.
         True rest. Only God can give us that. We can only know this peaceful rest if we have a personal relationship with him. We build that relationship with God by saturating our spirits with prayer, but most importantly with his word. That's where we learn the character of God, the heart of God. We cannot neglect our studies of God and his word. It is in those moments where we haven't fed on much scripture that the daily bread is greatly needed. We want to be prepared.
        Reading my Bible is not always the most exciting thing on my radar. There are times where I don't feel like reading at all because by nature, my flesh doesn't desire to be in the presence of God. It seems like when I want to read, so many other things immediately come to mind that jump to the top of my priority list. Every day is a constant battle of the mind. A close friend told me, "When I don't feel like I can read or pray, I pray and then I read anyway!"

         That is my encouragement to anyone who may have found themselves in a similar place in your walk with God. Pray, then read anyway! We don't always like to go to school or work. We don't always like to clean or cook. There's a list of things we would much rather do than the very things we know we ought to do. But just like we have to train ourselves to do certain things, like waking up early each morning, we must train our spirits as well. Reading the Word feels like veggies to a toddler at times- it doesn't always taste good to our prideful, unrighteous spirits. However, as we continue to grow and cry out to God to give us a desire for his presence, it will stop feeling so much like a chore and more like an undeserved, glorious privilege to come before the throne of God through the reading of his Word.
        May this be your prayer today. If you are struggling to get into your Bible, pray that God helps you to see the beauty and power that lies within its pages then READ! You'll never increase your appetite to want to read more if you never read.
         Be encouraged!
  

Soul Searching

         I believe there is a time, or several times, in every person's life where there's a need for some serious self-reflection, or "soul searching". The way people come to the realization of this fact varies, depending on the situation. For example, many realize the need to reflect and restructure their lives after undergoing tragedy or life-altering events, such as the birth of their first child or moving to a new city. Soul searching may come in the form of a New Year's Resolution. It may come as a formal contract drafted by a judge or probation officer. Whether it be voluntary or forced at the time, I believe that every human being "soul searches". We naturally strive to better ourselves.

         So... What exactly is "Soul Searching "? Below are a few good definitions that I found:

         Soul Searching [sohl-sur-ching]; noun 

1. Deep and anxious consideration of one's emotions and motives, or of the correctness of a course of action (Dictionary.com)
2. Examination of one's conscience especially with regard to morals and values (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)
3. Deep and careful attention to private thoughts, especially about a moral problem (Cambridge Dictionary) 

        Used in a sentence: After much soul-searching, he decided it was wrong to vote in the elections.

         I really like the last definition - "Deep and careful attention to private thoughts, especially about a moral problem". Soul searching is more than a quick five minute evaluation of your current circumstances. Anyone can brainstorm a laundry list of things that need to be changed in their lives. It's deeper than that. Soul searching happens in those quiet moments we have in our bedrooms where no one can hear us crying; those moments when you lay in bed all day, wanting to do something but lacking any motivation to go out and accomplish it. People will ask if you're okay and you're forced to say yes, because saying no would require an explanation that even you are unfamiliar with. On the exterior, life seems ordinary. No apparent issues seem to be causing your life to crumble. Yet there's an emptiness in your heart. Deep down our hearts are longing for something; there's a void that needs to be filled. That, I believe, is the moral problem.
       
         That void, that emptiness comes from the fact that we have been separated from the love of God because of sin in our lives. However, by grace, God has offered a solution to this moral problem. Jesus. However, knowing that Jesus is the solution is only half of the battle. Do I believe it? Do I truly believe that God sent Jesus, a part of himself, down to be beaten and killed for my sins? Do I truly believe that God will hear my heart if I cry out to him declaring that I have faith in his son? These are questions that we must answer for ourselves.

        I answered these questions, and my response was yes. I do believe that I am saved by grace through faith alone. Nothing I did or will ever do can compare to the work done on the cross. Salvation is a gift, meaning I can't work to get it and I can't lose it. However, I now work because I have this gift. See the difference? Working because you're eternally indebted to someone is a much different feeling than working because of the love that person has shown you. Yes, you can never repay back the love and grace shown to you, but by the blood of Christ through faith, God sees you as he sees his son - totally blameless. How amazing is that? So what does this mean in regards to soul searching?

         It means that going through the motions simply won't cut it anymore. I want to be consumed by God's glory! I want to see his love and his word come alive in every single aspect of my life. I can no longer settle for mediocrity in my walk with Christ. I'm either hot or cold, Jesus spits out the lukewarm. So I'm burning hot! I'm searching each day to discover more and more about the heart of God and his unwavering character. It is in this relentless search for God where I truly find myself.

         "But from there you will seek  the Lord your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul"
 ~ Deuteronomy 4:29

         This is the journey of Soul Searching.